Goals for 2019.

Cliché post alert: “New Year, New Me”.

  1. Focus on the positives at work, rather than the negatives.
  2. Spend more time with the doggo.
  3. Buy a house.
  4. Spend more time with friends.
  5. Go on a vacation!
  6. Get serious about the gym.
  7. Get out of the house more – especially on weekends.
  8. Cook healthier meals & get more adventurous with recipes.
  9. Go on more dates.
  10. Pick up a new skill or hobby (TBD).

Ghosting. Don’t Do It.

Tinder did me dirty again. This time in the form of a boy named Zach. Zach and I #swipedright about a month ago. We spent about 3 weeks texting and Snapchatting. Three weeks – that’s a long time, right? Finally, we met up.

Date #1
For our first date we met up in a small town in Connecticut. (Small…. like insanely small). We went out for dinner and shared some laughs. Even after sitting at the table or over half an hour after we finished eating, we still weren’t ready to say goodbye. We decided to take a walk down main street and keep talking. After what seemed like another hour, we called it quits. I walked him to his car and we kissed goodnight.

Date #2
Exactly one week later we met up at the Casino for dinner. We literally spent HOURS together. We walked around, played games, grabbed drinks, etc. We couldn’t stop talking to one another. All fine and dandy. We had a good time…. and an even better time afterwards in the form of a makeout sesh in my car.

We continued to text and Snapchat. I spent all of Sunday night Googling different date night ideas – this time closer to him (He lives in Rhode Island). He seemed interested and we were in the works of finalizing the plans…we were thinking a Paint Night.

THEN – OUT OF NOWHERE – GHOSTED. Just like that. Mid-plans, after a month of talking, and two dates. 

Moral of the story: Don’t be an asshole. If you’re no longer interested in someone – just tell them!

Update: Thing’s Didn’t Work Out.

An update from my last post (Thank you, Tinder.) – James sucked. Out of the blue, he stopped texting and snap chatting. He didn’t completely ghost me, but there was a definite change in behavior. So doing what came naturally to me, being sassy and direct, I called him out on it.

“You’re a great guy and I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out with you, but the distance kinda sucks and I just have a lot going on right now with work, so I don’t think it’s going to work out.” 

One day I’ll have my chance at love. Just gotta keep staying positive!

Thank you, Tinder.

Well, Tinder… After years of matches – you’ve given me a good one.

I #swipedright about a week ago on a guy named James. We immediately hit it off and ending the conversation with each other’s phone numbers. We texted and Snapchatted for DAYS. Each text brought a smile to my face.

Fast forward to last night. We went on a date! He chose the date, time, and restaurant – which if you know me, is easily my biggest struggle. I texted him beforehand to apologize in advance should I be awkward due to my nerves. He laughed and said the same.

I was immediately sold at dinner when he looked at me and said “So, I’m really feeling a burger”. The rest of the night was history. We talked for hours, laughed, and stared into each others eyes the entire night. At the end of the date, we walked to our cars. Then, in the parking lot, we shared a kiss (or four) goodbye!

I was not about to play the whole “who will text who first” game – so I sent him a text once I got home:


We’re seeing the movie Love, Simon together this Friday!!

He’s Married?!

Today, I re-downloaded the gay dating app Scruff. I kept scrolling past the same faces on Grindr and swiped with every guy in a 75 mile radius of me on Tinder and I had enough. I needed something new and different to hopefully give me some shimmer of hope that Mr. Right is out there.

When I logged back into Scruff I noticed that some of my old chats were there. One face stood out in particular (See Date #3). I clicked on his profile and he had his Instagram account connected. It was clear that he was in a relationship now…. and after scrolling a bit further… it became clear he got MARRIED!! Married?!?! I’m still in disbelief. We went on this date and hooked up in March of 2016. He was married in April 2017. I guess when you know you know.

This just freaked me out. Not the fact that he’s married, but that my own love life has gone nowhere since this time. On top of this, all of my friends are now engaged, and even my twin sister is getting married this September!

Ughhh. Hopefully soon I’ll find my guy.

A boy spent the night…

Right as I was about to start writing this post, I realized I never told you all about Chris…

Chris is a boy I’ve been hanging out with for FIVE years now. (I’ve never done this math… so let’s just say I am equally as surprised by that number as most of you.) I met Chris in a more sketchy way than Grindr. You’re probably asking yourself, how is this even possible? Well, the answer is through Craigslist. Yup – sketchy. At this time in my life, I was still a virgin. I had just finished my first year in college and came out the month before. At 18, and horny, let’s just say I was pretty desperate to explore this newly accepted side of myself.

I met Chris through a Craigslist ad and he was around 21 at the time. It turns out we went to the same high school. Do me a favor and picture one of the *popular* girls from your grade in high school (think Regina George before the bus). Now think of her hot, athletic, popular, jock of an older brother…. that was Chris. Chris was, and still is, very deep into the closet. Chris came over that day and confirmed my love for the D.

Throughout the next several years, Chris and I would meet every chance we had. He’d come to my house or visit me at school, I’d go to his house, and occasionally we’d even rent a hotel room if we were that desperate. We did it all together. But what we wouldn’t do is actually hang out to talk or grab a bite to eat.

When Chris first came to my new place this year (back in our home state after I finished grad school) he came up and took me out to a nearby brewery for dinner and drinks. Mind you, we’ve never done anything like this in the past five years – or even been seen out together in public, so we were forced to actually have a conversation. It was strange, but I liked it. Well, Chris has come up several more times since August when I moved in and last week he actually spent the night. We went at it all night. And when we weren’t, we were cuddled up either on the couch or in bed the entire time. It was in that night that I finally felt a small glimpse of what people in relationships feel all the time: safe, loved, and needed. I want more than anything to find my Mr. Right so I can have this feeling for the rest of my life.

As much as I love hanging out with Chris, I know it will never lead to anything. Chris will probably be in the closet (he’s bi) for the rest of his life, which really sucks for him when I think about how much better off it is not having to live a lie. I asked him once who knows about him and other than a few one night stands in college, it’s just me. So he has literally nobody to talk to about his feelings. I think meeting up with Chris is also one of the reasons that I’m still single because I always have him as a crutch to fall back on.

Ahh, my love life is a hot mess! What was supposed to be a one-night stand turned into a 5+ year hookup – longer than most of the relationships of my newly married friends!

Slow Dance

This weekend I attended my best friend’s wedding. Due to how expensive weddings are, the bride and groom made a decision to not give plus one’s to anyone who has not been with their partner for at least one year. Needless to say, I was one of those individuals. At first, I was disappointed. I thought to myself, “Great, another event which points out that I’m still single.” However, as the wedding date grew closer I realized I was just overthinking things. I went to college with the bride and groom so I had a handful of friends and peers that I knew would be at the wedding.

Dancing was fun…but then the first slow song came on. I started walking to the outside of the dance floor to let the couples have room to dance. A guy from college also made his way to the edge of the dance floor, as he was also left without a plus one. He has only been dating his girlfriend for about 3 months now. He headed in my direction and instead of standing alongside me to wait for the song to end, he extended his arm to bring me onto the dance floor. Obviously, I accepted the gesture. We danced like it was nothing out of the ordinary and caught up about work and life.

BUT WAIT. It gets better. Halfway through the song, he was tapped on the shoulder from another guy – whose girlfriend was actually at the wedding, but outside during the song – and asked to step in. TWO STRAIGHT MEN DANCED WITH ME!

This really has me thinking about how far our generation has come in terms of the acceptance of diverse and minority populations. These very masculine straight men decided to dance with an openly gay man instead of following traditional gender roles. (This made it all the better because the groom’s very religious and conservative family watched this all unfold – which was actually the reason I was not allowed to be in the wedding party!) This was probably a very insignificant event for these guys, but to me, it made my whole night. I struggled for so long with my sexuality and being accepted by my peers. And now, six years out of the closet, I’m being my authentic self without fear – a reality I never imagined possible.