Right as I was about to start writing this post, I realized I never told you all about Chris…
Chris is a boy I’ve been hanging out with for FIVE years now. (I’ve never done this math… so let’s just say I am equally as surprised by that number as most of you.) I met Chris in a more sketchy way than Grindr. You’re probably asking yourself, how is this even possible? Well, the answer is through Craigslist. Yup – sketchy. At this time in my life, I was still a virgin. I had just finished my first year in college and came out the month before. At 18, and horny, let’s just say I was pretty desperate to explore this newly accepted side of myself.
I met Chris through a Craigslist ad and he was around 21 at the time. It turns out we went to the same high school. Do me a favor and picture one of the *popular* girls from your grade in high school (think Regina George before the bus). Now think of her hot, athletic, popular, jock of an older brother…. that was Chris. Chris was, and still is, very deep into the closet. Chris came over that day and confirmed my love for the D.
Throughout the next several years, Chris and I would meet every chance we had. He’d come to my house or visit me at school, I’d go to his house, and occasionally we’d even rent a hotel room if we were that desperate. We did it all together. But what we wouldn’t do is actually hang out to talk or grab a bite to eat.
When Chris first came to my new place this year (back in our home state after I finished grad school) he came up and took me out to a nearby brewery for dinner and drinks. Mind you, we’ve never done anything like this in the past five years – or even been seen out together in public, so we were forced to actually have a conversation. It was strange, but I liked it. Well, Chris has come up several more times since August when I moved in and last week he actually spent the night. We went at it all night. And when we weren’t, we were cuddled up either on the couch or in bed the entire time. It was in that night that I finally felt a small glimpse of what people in relationships feel all the time: safe, loved, and needed. I want more than anything to find my Mr. Right so I can have this feeling for the rest of my life.
As much as I love hanging out with Chris, I know it will never lead to anything. Chris will probably be in the closet (he’s bi) for the rest of his life, which really sucks for him when I think about how much better off it is not having to live a lie. I asked him once who knows about him and other than a few one night stands in college, it’s just me. So he has literally nobody to talk to about his feelings. I think meeting up with Chris is also one of the reasons that I’m still single because I always have him as a crutch to fall back on.
Ahh, my love life is a hot mess! What was supposed to be a one-night stand turned into a 5+ year hookup – longer than most of the relationships of my newly married friends!